Could you proofread my essay?
I’m not done yet. Actually I’m kind of stuck. Tell me whether I have comma splices, contractions, if you think a sentence doesn’t belong. basically just tell me if it sucks.
I believe in the power of music.
Yes, we all have different music tastes. Yes, I may criticize you because I think Red Hot Chili Peppers are the greatest band ever while you disagree and say that Mos Def is better. Even so, music brings people together. It soothes, heals and entertains. Although we all have our differences, we all enjoy listening to music. It is an important part of our lives.
Music is a great conversation starter. I moved to Rosenberg from Brooklyn, New York freshman year. I knew no one and was really nervous because it seemed that everyone had already formed cliques. I pulled out my iPod so I would not look like a complete loser and drowned everything out to the sounds of The Rolling Stones. A guy, who now happens to be one of my best friends, pulled on a headphone and asked me what I was jamming to. Immediately we were engrossed in a conversation about the greatest guitarists of all time and talked until the first bell. I believe music helps us find our common ground.
Music is a universal communicator. Who doesn’t know the tune to the Happy Birthday song? The melody of a song can say more than a heartfelt poem ever could. Without saying a single word it can make us feel deep sorrow, euphoria, or extreme anger. The hard beats of a hip hop song energizes us. The tinkering sounds of a harp can calm us. The soft strokes of a piano can move us to tears. Music doesn’t need to speak a specific language to get us to understand. I believe music brings the world together.
2 Answers
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You’re off to a good start, but need some structure. No worries!
1st para: Thesis statement (got it) in intro paragraph. Intro needs to include number of topics to be discussed (I see “brings people together,” “soothes,” “heals,” and “entertains”).
2nd para: first topic “brings people together.” Include an intro sentence, discuss it, and conclude.
3rd para: “soothes.” Include an intro sentence, discuss it, and conclude.
4th para: “heals.” Include an intro sentence, discuss it, and conclude.
5th para: “entertains.” Include an intro sentence, discuss it, and conclude.
Conclusion para repeats the thesis statement in a different way. IMHO, “Although we all have our differences, we all enjoy listening to music. It is an important part of our lives” is better in the conclusion.
Having a definite outline makes the writing much easier, no matter the subject matter. Also consider rewording “complete loser” to something else as your teacher might not have the sense of humor you do.
Hope this helps!
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I actually thought that was very well written and enjoyed reading it. The only suggestion I have is that I think you have too many short sentences. I think they are great in some places but you should try to elaborate a little more in some so the story will go smoother. Hopefull you get what I mean. But if you don’t, that’s ok because you did a great job writing that! 🙂
